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I woke up yesterday morning absolutely irate with an imaginary cashier at a grocery store from my dreams because she stole fifty cents from me.

I have no idea what I ate that might have caused such a realistic and ridiculous dream, but let it be known that if you ever steal fifty cents from me, I will find your manager (whose name was Gage, by the way, in this dream that needs to be analyzed) and give him a piece of my mind. And if he smirks at me because “it’s just fifty cents,” we will have a conversation about integrity and how the monetary amount couldn’t matter less – it’s a revelation of the heart.

Bless my heart.

I’m trying not to let my heart be hardened against the grocery store chain I dreamed of, but I’m not there, yet. She stole from me, y’all. And Gage didn’t care.

So that’s how my Saturday started.

And this is how it ended.

Photo courtesy of Travis Lister

My family has season tickets to Clemson, and we’re kind of hard core.

While Hurricane Joaquin was sending his rain-remnants last week to South Carolina, we were watching the game. In the rain. Wearing get-ups like this.

And when ESPN College GameDay comes to town, you get a little carried away. Your engineer dad creates gutters for your tents to funnel away the rain,

Travis Lister

you cover the generator to protect it from the monsoon,

Travis Lister

and you exchange your traditional stuffed tigers for a rubber ducky replete with a poncho that you recovered from Bowman field.

You know you’re going to get soaking wet, so you prepare yourself mentally and just go with it.

Travis Lister

And this week? Oops – we did it again.

When you were literally born in a college town the year before they last won a National Championship, you don’t let little things like driving rain keep you home. Especially when said team is playing really well and is ranked as one of the top teams in the country.

So we went. And we got wet. And they won. And we came home.

And I slept really well after all the rain and excitement, but thank goodness the cashier and Gage didn’t visit my dreams again. I have a feeling we would have fought.

So you found out your friend is going through a divorce. She may have called you herself, or you may have heard through the grapevine that her marriage is ending, as half of all do.

As a friend, you want to be there, but you’re unsure of what that means. Do you call? Do you ask how she is?

Just what is it she really needs?

My own divorce is now years old, but whenever I hear of another marriage crumbling, my heart is quickened to the needs I had back then, and my deepest desire is to give what is really needed. No, not every person facing divorce is the same, but I believe there are universal needs that most who are divorcing share. (I’m writing from the female perspective since it is my own.)

What She Needs:

She needs you. More than she has ever needed you before, she needs your presence in her life. Divorce often costs people friendships, for reasons understandable and varied. Sometimes friends are mutual between the two who are divorcing, and sometimes they are forced to choose sides. Sometimes people just don’t know how to be a friend for a person whose life is suddenly different. A loss of other relationships is almost inevitable in a divorce, but it is devastating nonetheless. Be there for her. Half of her whole is gone, and losing anyone else in her life inflicts a pain she is unequipped to handle. Eliminate that pain and be there for her.

She needs you to treat her like a normal person. Yes, perhaps she is going through the greatest change of her life, but what she desperately wants is not to be different. What she desperately needs is what you normally do. Call her to go for coffee; email her funny jokes; invite her to meet at the park with the kids. She may turn you down or she may stare blankly while she’s there, but give her the chance to be normal. Give her the option of feeling like everyone else.

She needs you not to ask, “How are you?”. She’s not well. She’s exhausted from crying all night, and she’s worn out from being a single mom. She’s stressed out from juggling work and bills and emotions. She’s struggling. Don’t ask, “How are you?” but ask instead, “What are you struggling with today? How can I pray for you? What can I do to lift your load?” She needs you not to ask her a question to which she’s obligated to answer, “I’m fine.” Because she’s not. She’s not fine, and she probably won’t be for a while. Even if the divorce were her idea or her desire, she’s still not fine. The dissolution of a marriage never results in someone being fine immediately.

She needs you to let her know when you’re thinking of her. In the simplest ways, you can let her know she’s on your mind – because she might feel like she’s on no one’s. Years ago, a dear friend of mine sent me this little card in the midst of my divorce, and it’s still in my car today.

The smallest gesture on her part then has me in tears today remembering it. She knew what was happening in my life, she thought of me, and she took the time to let me know. Small acts are magnified when they are genuine. Send her a text, a card, some flowers – just let her know she is not forgotten.

She needs to treat herself. I can virtually guarantee that she is not splurging on manicures, new clothes, or trendy jewelry from Charming Charlie’s. She is putting one foot in front of the other to make it through each day, and self-care isn’t even on her list anymore. She needs you not to give her the option of taking care of herself. Make the appointment, secure the babysitter, and don’t give her a reason to say no. For whatever amount of time you can manage, make her the priority in her own life. She sure won’t do it herself.

She needs a safe place to share her fears. Many of her feelings right now make sense and are understandable, but many of them follow no logic. She might, in the deepest parts of herself, be convinced that her life will never be good again. She might believe she will never be loved again, and she might think the hurt will always be this fresh. She might be scared to sleep with the light off, and she might be afraid that her children will be scarred. She might be afraid of running into people who don’t know what happened, and she might be afraid to eat alone in a restaurant. The world of divorce brings never thought-of-before fears, and when those fears don’t see truth-illuminating daylight, they fester and grow more intense. Ask her directly, “What fears are you facing right now?” and don’t be shocked at the answers. Satan is playing tricks in her mind, and you need to remind her of truth.

She needs you not to bash her ex. Regardless of the circumstances of the divorce, he was a man she loved, and she doesn’t need to hear that she was a fool for ever loving him. She might be angry and upset with him, or she might still be on friendly terms with him, but regardless, you need to remain neutral if at all possible. Even if she needs to vent, you need to just listen. Being there for her doesn’t necessarily mean being against him.

She needs help with the practicalities of life. Do her laundry. Go grocery shopping. Take the kids so she can nap. Vacuum her car. Buy her kids new shoes. If she’s never changed the oil in her car, tell her where to go. Help her balance her checkbook. Take her house hunting if she needs it. Absolutely, she needs emotional help, but the simple ins and outs of life are sometimes more than she can handle. In the emotional fog she may be living in, she may not think to pay her water bill. Be her brain if her own fails to function.

She needs you to understand that the emotional roller-coaster she’s riding has nothing to do with you, and she needs you to be patient until that roller-coaster levels out. Some days, your friend will seem fine – and in that moment, she really might be. A week later, though, she might be in a terrible place emotionally. The emotions divorce brings are unpredictable and often-changing, and she is at their mercy in many ways. She sometimes has to walk through what you will never understand. (And if you don’t, don’t act like or say you do. She needs to be able to trust your authenticity even if it means your saying, “I have no idea how you’re feeling.”) Give her time but not too much space. Let her go through the ups and downs without feeling like she needs to hide them.

She needs to laugh. Oh my goodness, does she ever. So much seriousness surrounds her – lawyers and court dates and custody arrangements and documents. Her capacity for it all is at full peak, and she desperately needs some levity to balance it all out. Provide the fun she feels guilty for having. Laughing will feel foreign to her at first, as if she’s betraying the gravity of the divorce. Whatever you do, make that girl laugh. Help her release the emotions pent up inside, and remind her that fun isn’t forever removed from her life.

In short, be for your friend what she cannot be for herself. Be her fun, her truth-teller, her hands and feet and brain. Just be there for her. When you think of her, let her know. When you feel like she needs help, give it. When she crosses your mind, pray for her. Divorce will change her, and she needs you to love her through it. She needs you to love her in spite of it. She just needs you.

Fourteen years ago, I taught my first group of students, and recently I gave some advice to a practicum student under my supervision. Poor guy – he probably doesn’t realize that classroom experience doesn’t qualify me as an expert or even mean I halfway feel confident in what I’m doing.

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There’s been a whole lot of this in my life lately.

My firstborn – my 6 pound baby boy – is tackling and being tackled. He owns a helmet and knows about defensive plays, and I have to watch as boys built like men drive him to the ground.

Needless to say, my prayer life has changed.

He loves football, but this is his first year. Most of the other guys have been out there before, so he’s had a lot of making up to do. He’s had to learn positions and plays, and he also has what we’ll call a significant size deficit. (He’s a year younger than everybody on his team, so the poor kid is easy to pick out of the crowd.)

At this week’s game, though, this happened.

He got one of the two golden game coins. After each game, the coaches choose both an offensive and defensive player to receive recognition. And my baby boy got one.

Now, listen. He didn’t score a touchdown. He didn’t catch a pass. He didn’t do anything for which his name would be in lights.

He just did his assignment.

He was told to block, so he blocked. Play after play, every time he was in, he tried to block whoever was in his path. Nothing fancy, nothing worthy of a highlight reel. He just blocked. He just did his assignment.

When that coach announced his name, though, I swear to you I got a lump in my throat and wanted to yell (but didn’t) “THAT’S MY BABY!”

Isn’t that the goal we all have for our babies? To do their assignments? I don’t know yet what God’s purpose is for that child. I know it’s going to be amazing, and I know it’s going to be specific, but I can’t tell you what it will be. Chances are high his name won’t be in lights, and chances are high he won’t be world-renowned. Regardless, though, I just want him to do his assignment. I just want him to know what he’s been told to do and to do it. Period.

Sometimes I forget this applies to me, too. Just today, I was scrolling through Instagram after work, and I saw post after post of amazing, unique, and attention-worthy things people had accomplished while I was working. It made me jealous, and it made me want to do what they were doing. But you know what? I have an assignment, and my assignment is not what they are doing. For now, my assignment is to cherish and raise up the young adults in my classroom. So that’s what I’m going to do. My name may not be in lights, and I may not be world-renowned, but that doesn’t mean my assignment is any less important.

If a blocker doesn’t do his assignment, neither can the play-makers. If I don’t do my assignment, neither can the play-makers I’m charged with influencing. My assignment matters. It may not always feel like it, and there may be days I wish my assignment were different, but my assignment in the right-now matters right now.

Sometimes, our assignments must be done in the rain.

It doesn’t matter what the conditions are. It might be raining, and you might be tired, and you might be praying for the clock to get to the final seconds. The assignment matters even then, and sometimes most especially then. When you understand the importance of the task you’ve been given, you keep going even in the rain. You keep blocking even when you’re tired. And, sometimes, you might just get the golden coin that reminds you your assignment matters.

A Prayer as Our 21 Day Fast Ends:

“God, we’ve been through a lot these past 21 days. There have moments of enlightenment, times of frustration, and nonstop reliance on you. It’s not easy to give up things that are such a normal part of life on this planet, and whether it was food or Facebook, substances or sleep, we all set aside something to hear from you more. We all abstained from something to grow closer to our Sustainer. As this time of deliberate separation from the world comes to a close, we pray that the real results are only beginning. We ask, God, that what you began in us during these 21 days will grow and multiply in ways we cannot imagine. Many of us were praying specific prayers, and we ask you to show us the specific answers we seek. Many of us were looking for breakthroughs, and we ask you to show us the paths we couldn’t see before.

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But we’re also praying something else, God, and we’re courageously asking it. We’re asking you to show us both something about ourselves and something about you that we didn’t even know would come through this time. We’re asking for a divine revelation that completely takes us by surprise. Remind us that you are bigger than we dare think, and teach us that you can do more in us than we even know to ask for. Begin it even now, Lord. Sweep us off our feet, and leave us in awe of who you are.”

Today continues our 21 day series on setting ourselves apart for Christ.

Do you ever just need a time-out from your life? Do you ever wish you could press pause and freeze the action around you while you catch up?

Time is in short supply for many of us, and a 24 hour day just doesn’t cut it (if you really feel that sleeping is necessary).

So much is asked of us that it sometimes seems impossible – truly not realistic – to get it all done and still maintain sanity.

Here’s what I’ve discovered about time.

First – you cannot do it all. There really is a limit on your time, and only you can know how much is too much. Learn to say “no” and be unapologetic about it. The Lord has given you the ability to discern what is realistic and what is crippling. Ask Him, listen, and don’t be afraid to turn down what you cannot do.

Second – time spent with people is always better than time spent on tasks. I am a list maker, and I can create tasks to do like nobody’s business. Tasks are important and often must be done, but your friends and family need to take precedence over your to-do list. Make it a priority to step away from the to-do’s and just be.

Third – you cannot be set apart for Christ if you don’t set apart time for Him. Although you may have a jam-packed schedule from the alarm to the pillow, no minutes are better spent than those spent with Him. Meditating on His Word and spending time in prayer can transform the rest of your minutes into ones that feel well-spent.

We all have the same number of minutes in our days. Even when it feels like we don’t, we have a say in how we spend them. Invite Christ in to your every moment, and even the busy ones will be filled with His purpose.

Sometimes I wonder if Christians are irrelevant to the unbelieving world because we remove ourselves so far from it.

We recite one of our favorites, that we are to be in the world and not of it, and yes, that is true. But while we’re in the world we can’t just sit back on our velvety cushioned pedestals and rain down judgment and condemnation. We can’t see the problems plaguing very real people and rest on our laurels.

What does it say of our faith when we have every comfort the American Dream can provide but our brothers and sisters around the globe are slaughtered for the very same faith? What message do we send when scores of refugees are fleeing imminent death, but we refuse them aid? What is revealed of our God when His people are best known for rejection, isolation, and materialism? What message does the world see when churches squabble with each other over minor issues such as contemporary music versus traditional hymns (and we do so by passively aggressively posting articles on Facebook rather than having actual conversations with actual people)?

People – real people – are starving to death and dying of preventable diseases and are being persecuted for following Christ, and all of that happens while we American Christians shoot daggers in each others’ backs (ignoring life and death issues and heaven and hell issues) because we can’t believe someone would dare wear blue jeans to church instead of starched shirts and ties.

No wonder so many people think we’re crazy.

How about this for setting ourselves apart?

Let’s do what Jesus said. Let’s love Him and love people. Let’s help those who need help and encourage those who are hurting and lift those who are down. Let’s be light in darkness and salt in tastelessness and hope in despair.

Let’s give our extras to those without, and let’s think of how we can show love rather than show why someone’s wrong.

Let’s be like Jesus, for Pete’s sake.

We make Christianity about a million little things it was never intended to be about. We strain out a gnat but swallow a camel and forget that love covers a multitude of sins.

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Love God and love others.

The greatest commandment – the simplest one – and the one that we almost never follow.

Really want to set yourself apart today? Love. Just love.