01 Jul Deep Thoughts on Food Network
So today’s deep thoughts about Food Network are 100% percent indicative of the fact that school is out and I’m at home and I have wayyyy too much television-watching time on my hands.
We shall begin with Giada De Laurentiis. My immediate thought every time her shows come on is, “For real?” She’s a doggone chef who cooks all the time, yet she has the figure of a fashion model. She weighs like 82 pounds and smiles with those perfectly white teeth, and I am (understandably) inherently distrustful. I like my chefs to have the figure of Barefoot Contessa or pre-scandal Paula Deen. I need to know that they eat what they cook and that if I were to somehow begin cooking the way they do, I would blow up and am therefore justified in my less-than-Food-Network-worthy culinary prowess. It makes me think she’s a wizard or something. Plus, “Giada at Home” contains views of the ocean through her window. Unfair.
Barefoot Contessa. Ina Garten. Whatever you call her, she is a character. She says things like, “I suppose you could always use a store-bought chicken stock, but it’s just so easy to kill and roast a free-range chicken from your farm and use produce from your own garden. Home-grown basil has a freshness that stores just can’t duplicate.” Well, then. I couldn’t agree more. Plus, she laughs. A lot. If you’ve never noticed, just listen when her friends mosey on over to her palatial abode in the Hamptons. She laughs a strange amount.
Ree Drummond. I think we could be friends, but I would need to see her not smiling just once to know that she’s the real deal. Seriously – she smiles the whole show. Still, I like her. She uses the blasphemous store-bought ingredients and makes things like Monster Cookies, so she can’t be too bad. Plus, we could hang out at the lodge while the kids round up the cattle.
Guy Fieri. While his bleached porcupine hair is a bit jolting at first, I adore “Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives.” He is hilarious, and he’s pudgy. The two most important qualities in a TV chef. Plus, I just got back from a cruise that served his burgers, and they were unbelievable. Super melty cheese and donkey sauce. Yum yum. Which makes me think of yum-o, which makes me think of Rachael Ray.
In a paradoxical predicament, I am highly annoyed by her, yet always watch her. Why is this? Is it because her 30 minute meals seem accessible even if they would cost a million dollars to actually make? Is it because she could talk the paint off a wall? Perhaps it’s her stories about her Sicilian mother and her excessive use of EVOO. The mystery of her appeal remains.
I would like to address the hidden hilarity of my watching Food Network shows at all. I don’t like to cook. Not even a little bit. And eating isn’t something I love too much, either. I am not a foodie, and I do not have a discriminating palate. I could eat cereal three meals a day. I guess I like living vicariously through people who have mastered the stress of having side items finish cooking at the same time. Tears me up every time. Last night, my rolls finished just as the pork chops did and I felt they should award me a show. Maybe the hours of watching Food Network are starting to pay off after all.